Narcissistic & Emotional Abuse: How can you tell if it's happening to you?

In today’s society we often hear the term “narcissist,” used especially when discussing relationships with partners behaving in an unhealthy way. Let’s discuss it a little further so we can understand the term, if it relates to your relationship, and how you can begin to heal from this type of relationship with a trauma informed narcissistic abuse counseling specialist. 

A narcissist is someone diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Clinicians can determine whether someone meets the criteria for this diagnosis using the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (DSM-5). The DSM-5 defines NPD as such:

“​​In interpersonal settings, there is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. This pattern of behaviors onsets in early adulthood and persists through various contexts. Clinical features include at least 5 of the following:

• Having a grandiose sense of self-importance, such as exaggerating achievements and talents, expecting to be recognized as superior even without commensurate achievements

• Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, and idealization

• Belief in being "special" and that they can only be understood by or associated with other high-status people (or institutions)

• Demanding excessive admiration

• Sense of entitlement

• Exploitation behaviors

• Lack of empathy

• Envy towards others or belief that others are envious of them

• Arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes”

As a disclaimer, someone must meet the minimum criteria for this diagnosis in order to be diagnosed with NPD so we have to be careful when using this term. The moment we label someone in our life as a narcissist we no longer start seeing them as a person with flaws similar to us all. If you look at each of the individual qualifiers for NPD, we all have the capacity to behave in narcissistic ways at some point or another. So I urge you to be careful with the term and, on the other hand, also be mindful of unhealthy behaviors, such as these, in your relationships. A narcissistic abuse counseling specialist can help you notice the difference. It is important to identify because unhealthy behaviors can slip into abusive behaviors. 

The question comes up a lot, “why do people in abusive relationships not just leave?” And one reason is because it typically doesn’t start off as abusive. Abusive relationships can start out just like any other and might even feel extra special because of something called “Love Bombing”. 

Love Bombing occurs when a partner lavishes you with attention, affection, gifts, etc., in order to ultimately influence or manipulate you. We often hear this description in abusive relationships, “the highs are really high and the lows are so low.” A healthy relationship is not a roller coaster. A healthy relationship can still have excitement and passion without the whip lash that often comes with the “Cycle of Abuse”. 

The Cycle of Abuse is characterized by four stages that often repeat themselves in abusive relationships; tension, incident, reconciliation, calm. An example might look like this; something seemingly small may occur that sets off your partner like leaving a window open. They fly into a rage. They call you names, put you down, and might even throw things. You try to calm them. Eventually you are crying and groveling, begging for forgiveness for leaving the window open. You might even get mad for them being so cruel about something so small. They make you feel crazy for getting angry at them about something so small. Eventually they come to you and forgive you and all is calm again. They might say something off hand like they would hurt or kill themselves if you two ever actually broke up. Then it’s like nothing ever happened. You might even try to talk to them about the incident to make sure something like this doesn’t happen again but they have selective attention about what happened and may even gaslight you by lying about what they did or said. Ultimately it is decided you are the one making a problem, you’re not remembering right, and you’re making them feel bad so you let it go so there can be peace again. 

These are “Crazy Making” tactics, just a few of many types of manipulative behaviors a narcissistic partner may use to make you feel like you cannot rely on your own memory or thoughts, you can never win in the relationship, and you’re the problem. You can’t find real solutions to these incidents because you can barely even understand what just happened. And you can’t even go to your friends and family because your partner doesn’t like them, they don’t like your partner, or your partner gets upset at you for spending time with them. This isolates you from outside influence and support so you can’t get advice from them about how unhealthy the relationship is and your only source of approval and affection comes from your partner. They then have the power to give it to you when you do what they want and take it away when you do not. This may manifest as withholding affection and the silent treatment. 

These examples prove that there does not need to be physical harm for there to be abuse present in the relationship. These behaviors are emotionally abusive and lead to not only mental, but physical health concerns as well. Chronic anxiety can arise from the need to walk on eggshells to try to keep the peace around the home, but no matter how hard you try, there is nothing you can do to stop an incident. 

If you’re reading this and it feels like your life was just described to you, you may want to seek out a narcissistic abuse counseling specialist who can help you rebuild your self-worth and confidence that has so slowly been broken down over time in this type of relationship. Trillergy Mental Health uses trauma-informed counseling to help you when are ready to rebuild your self-esteem and self-confidence, learn how to regulate your nervous system after experiencing chronic anxiety from events like these, and help you utilize healthy relationship skills like how to set and enforce boundaries and recognize manipulation tactics so you can break the cycle in your own life. 

Therapy can help you find your path out of the woods of narcissistic and emotional abuse.