Fostering Independence and Confidence in Children from a Young Age

When you think of attributes you want your child to have when they grow up, what adjectives come to mind? Perhaps you are envisioning a confident, independent, motivated adult. Of course you do. We all want that for our children. In order to instill these attributes, you must start fostering those qualities in your children while they are young. I'll share with you a few ways in which you can do that to help your child launch when the time comes.

1. Let your child learn from their mistakes while you are around to help them recover.

I grew up in Vermont, which meant 10 months out of the year we had snow (or at least that’s what it felt like). We got snowstorms all the time, and life didn’t just stop when a few inches or even feet fell. We still drove to school, participated in winter sports, went to a friend’s house, etc., but that meant we had to know how to drive in the snow. In my family, that meant if you were learning how to drive and a storm hit, Dad would take you out in the car, no matter the time of day. He had us drive up and down hills, hit the brakes hard, and feel what it was like for them to lock up and how to regain control again by pumping them instead. He calmly coached us through multiple experiences like that, so that when the time came, and we were driving alone in the snow or ice, we would know how to handle ourselves rather than panic. My father encouraged my siblings and me to experiment and safely fail while he was around to help us learn to course correct. Our children, too, can benefit from lessons like those in all aspects of life. Our job is to stay calm, let them experiment and even fail sometimes, while we provide the safety rails for them to figure it out. This will lead to greater confidence, curiosity, and healthy risk-taking.

2. Let your child openly express themselves.

From a young age, children know exactly what they do and do not want (as is evident by their firm and consistent use of the word “no!”) As they grow up, oftentimes that confidence and assuredness is unlearned and replaced by uncertainty as they are constantly told by others how they should think, feel, and behave. As much as possible, allow your children to express their wants, needs, and identity, and that confidence will accompany them throughout their lives. Get curious about what different aspects of their identity mean to them. Childhood is a great journey of exploration and trying on new identities as they learn what really fits for them. That does not mean we invalidate or discredit their identity as "just a phase." Let them tell you where they currently are and be flexible with what sticks and what evolves. The more we practice curiosity without judgment, the safer they will feel expressing themselves to us. Then the more we know, the more we can guide life lessons such as honoring our intuition, not giving in to peer pressure, refraining from comparison, and loving and accepting ourselves exactly as we are in any given moment.

3. Let your child ask questions.

Children are naturally curious and love to ask “why?” In the moment, it may feel like they are questioning your authority or talking back, but remember, they are still very new to this world. It is not a power struggle, so don't make it one. They genuinely want to know why things are the way that they are and the purpose of the boundaries you are trying to set and enforce. Try to explain to them what is done for their safety or well-being, and be willing to change how you operate if you find there is no real or good reason for something. This will nurture their innate skills of curiosity, speaking up for themselves, and creative problem-solving. These skills create an adult who understands natural consequences, feels safe asking questions and asserting themselves, evaluates their environment, and is open-minded and willing to engage in change-making.

4. Be mindful of the different treatment between boys and girls.

Girls and boys are treated much differently starting from a young age due to social learning. They are very observant and quickly pick up on unspoken rules. Research shows that young girls are punished at a much higher rate for interrupting than young boys, inadvertently communicating to them that what they have to say is less important. This leads to women speaking less and being spoken over more frequently in the workplace. When your child gets a “talks too much in class” indicator on their report card, inquire further. They do need to learn to take turns and listen in class, but they also should not be punished for asking questions and offering answers.

5. Let your boys and girls cry and talk about their feelings.

Remember, these are some of their first experiences with emotions, so they feel really big to a child. It might not seem like a big deal to us, but it is to them, so validate that experience and teach them what to do about it. Help them name their emotions, identify what their emotions are trying to tell them they need, and see how we can healthily and realistically meet that need.

"I can see you're feeling really disappointed and sad. Yeah, I would be disappointed too if something did not go the way I expected. You thought the ice cream shop was going to be open, but today they are not. You were really looking forward to those rainbow sprinkles. It's okay to cry. Do you need a hug, or do you need to get some energy out and do some super silly jumping jacks together? Now, what do we do when disappointment comes up? We take a biiig breath, and we focus on what we can control in this moment. So do you want to have a popsicle at home or get some ice cream from the grocery store?"

Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to ignore these feelings, distract them, or tell them not to cry and get over it, but then they don't learn what to do with their emotions next time they come up. As they get older and form a habit of bottling emotions up, that can lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms (yelling, throwing things, fighting, avoidance, self-isolation, drinking, smoking, self-harm, etc.). We desperately seek ways to feel better, but they often only help in the moment, not in the long run. Don't let them get "creative" with what they need to do to feel better. Teach them what healthy coping looks like.

6. Praise effort and hard work versus results.

Especially when it comes to homework or sports, praise effort versus results to foster a strong work ethic and a sense of self-confidence and self-worth. If children only get rewarded when they do well, they care less about how they got there and just want to ensure results. That's not always possible, though and if they can't get good results, then they start to question themselves. If I'm not the best at this sport or the smartest, then who am I? Results-oriented children will be more fearful of experimenting and trying new things because there is a possibility of failing and not getting good results immediately. Perfectionism is not the goal. It leads to its own problems. (Look up Brene Brown's work on Perfectionism and Shame.) The goal is resiliency, curiosity, perseverance, and growth.

"I saw how hard you hustled in your game today. You made a great run, even if your teammate didn't pass the ball to you that time. I'm really proud of how hard you've been working on your game."

"I've noticed how much time you spent studying for that test. Even though you didn't get the grade you expected, I'm really proud of how hard you studied and how you managed your time."

7. Praise internal qualities more than external qualities.

Especially with young girls, compliment qualities other than beauty to communicate that their worth comes from more than how they look. Research shows that we are more likely to praise prettiness and dresses in girls, but strength and ability in young boys. Social conditioning starts young, and rates of anxiety, depression, and eating disorders are growing at a much higher rate in young girls due to ever-growing beauty standards and plummeting senses of deeper self-worth. Teach your children that they are worthy of unconditional love and acceptance, no matter what they say, do, or look like.

This may include modeling these behaviors for them. Be mindful of how you speak to yourself and how you talk about others because they are always watching and learning from you. Looks are just one small aspect of who we are. Teach them that there are more important traits through your words and your actions.

There are so many ways to foster independence and confidence in children from a young age, and these are just a few to get you started. If you have any questions about applying these practices with your child or feel that your child could benefit from LGBTQIA+ affirmative psychotherapy or therapy focusing on self-worth and confidence, you can book a free consultation with Renée at Trillergy Mental Health.