How To Cope With Loneliness When Your Life Has Changed

They say loneliness is worse for us than cigarettes, but we do not talk about how to treat it enough. In our society, there is a lot of shame and embarrassment around loneliness and what it means about us if we suffer from it. So we don't talk about it, and then it feels like you are the only person on earth who is going through it. It feels isolating, disconnected, and hopeless.

And I'm not just saying this as a therapist. I've experienced this firsthand when I first moved to Connecticut for a new job out of college, knowing only one person in the whole state. I tried my best not to leach onto her and her friend group, and they were perfectly nice, allowing me to tag along from time to time, but I never felt like I was truly included, wanted, or belonged, and eventually we fell off. It took me 5 years to finally feel like I created my own friend groups with whom I really clicked. Now I feel like I have multiple groups of people that make me feel like I belong!

But for you, it won't take that long because I'm going to share my pitfalls and successes so we can expedite the process of building community and a sense of belonging.

Pifall #1

I worked a job with NO work-life balance. I went to bed early and got home late, leaving little to no time or energy to connect with others. This job gave me EXTREME anxiety, where the only positive thing I could tell myself was that my boss was not allowed to kill me or lay hands on me... but she would yell and belittle and could contact me at all hours of the day, expecting an immediate, well-written response. I always had to be on, and that destroyed my nervous system, so weekends were used as an attempt to rest and recharge rather than connect with others.

Success #1

I pushed myself out of my comfort zone by asking (my one friend in the state) to hang out and basically inserted myself more into her friend group. This helped me practice confidence and independence because no one was going out of their way to make me feel included. (This is not a dig against them, they just didn't know me as well as they knew each other.) I had to own the fact that I got to be there and insert myself into conversations. I kept showing up and eventually met one of her friends with whom I really connected, and we started to hang out one-on-one and became very close.

Success #2

I got a new job at a local college with an AMAZING boss who helped heal my nervous system (she and I are still friends). I met a bunch of wonderful people who respected me and my work, and I achieved my master's degree. This job taught me how to assert myself more, especially in giving direction to people older than me. I had to own the space I took up, practice my people skills, and learn that belonging isn't always something other people can give you. Sometimes it's something you have to believe about yourself first.

Pitfall #2

If I'm telling the truth, I don't know if I would have or could have done this any differently, but looking back, I burnt myself out working full-time, going to school full-time, and getting a clinical internship working an extra 20 hours a week at a practice over an hour away from my home. There were not enough hours in a day, and you guessed it, this didn't leave a lot of room for socializing. I loved the people I worked with and went to school with, but this was during COVID, so we did not hang out a lot outside of work, and there was a pretty significant age gap between me and most of my coworkers and classmates.

Success #3

My work went remote during COVID, so I started fostering a dog whom I would later adopt. Having a pet kept me company and forced me to go outside and interact with others. I love it when people smile at her and tell me how pretty she is. It's an easy segue into a conversation, or at the very least a pleasant interaction that makes my day a little brighter.

Success #4

I took a risk and joined a women's hiking group on Facebook during COVID, and met a lot of friendly, like-minded people who loved nature and chatting. Not all of us stayed friends forever, but it got us through a difficult time, where loneliness could have been a lot worse. I also tried to call and visit with my family and college friends, but it can be hard being so far away. I needed some in-person connection too.

Success #5

Dating is not always the answer to our loneliness problem, but I met someone towards the end of COVID, and it was helpful to hang out with him, some of his friends, and eventually move in together.

Pitfall #3

Truth be told, it took me a minute to learn that it's not fair to expect your partner to be your full solution to your loneliness problem. No one person can be all things to you, as much as you might like them to be. He needed to have a job and a life outside of me too, and he didn't always have the time or energy to be my full source of attention and connection, and that's no one's fault. We both needed more balance.

Pitfall #4

I moved A LOT in my first few years of living in Connecticut. I lived in West Hartford, went back and forth to Vermont a lot during COVID to be with my family, moved to Naugatuck, Middletown, briefly moved to Florida for a winter, back to Watertown, Cheshire, and finally Middletown. If your life allows, try to stick to one area as much as possible. Now that I'm a little more stable in Middletown, I can be more involved in my community more consistently.

Success #6

I joined an amazing martial arts gym, began showing up consistently, and built a community there. I try to show up early, engage with people while I'm there, and stay later to chat and ask people about their lives. Now I get invited to hang out outside the gym for coffee with the women's class and events with larger groups. I know gyms aren't for everyone, but if you live in one place, establish your routines where you are likely to see and converse with the same people frequently.

Success #7

I swallowed my pride and signed up for Bumble BFF. I myself battled with shame and embarrassment, admitting that I was struggling to make close friends as an adult. It's hard! Friend groups felt so much easier in high school and college because I joined lots of extracurricular activities like sports and a sorority, but after that, it felt much harder. But because of Bumble BFF, I met two wonderful women with whom I am still friends today. One friendship led to meeting a larger friend group, which is now my main friend group!

Pitfall #5

At some points during this journey, I started to doubt whether I had something to offer in friendships. I thought everyone else must already have their established friend groups and that no one is looking to add to theirs. Or I worried that I had to have at least one friend to do things with and go to places where we could make more friends. Spoiler alert - I was wrong. All of these were limiting beliefs that made me want to just stay home and not try at all. But more people than you think are looking to make friends, even if they already have some! Keep putting yourself in places where they can find you.

Success #8

I said yes to going to events with a group to which I felt a little on the outside of at first and didn't know super well, but I kept showing up and connecting with them, allowed myself to be myself, and eventually I clicked so much more with their energy. They made me feel so welcome and included that I now truly feel like I belong, and now I try to do that for new friends we make and include in the group.

Success #9

I go out of my way to smile and talk to the people in my apartment complex. Oftentimes, it just feels easier to keep your head down and get on with your day, going to and from your home, but a wave and a smile go a long way. I know my maintenance people, other neighbors with dogs, my upstairs neighbor, and the regulars who go to the pool. Tiny interactions lead to bigger interactions, and now I have friends in my apartment complex, and we can hang out more because it's just too easy.

Success #10

I got more comfortable going out and doing things alone. I need my people time, but I also need my alone time, and I learned how to take myself out on dates and do things I enjoy. I can either enjoy some time with myself or have an unexpectedly nice interaction with a stranger that otherwise would not have happened. On some level, we need to learn to enjoy our own company sometimes and be alone with our own thoughts.

So - that was my journey to overcoming loneliness, and if you take anything away from this article, let it be this: refuse to let embarrassment keep you isolated, try different things, keep showing up, and own the space you're in. When you authentically put yourself out there, "your vibe WILL attract your tribe." There may be some swings and misses, but even those are good opportunities to practice self-confidence and allow yourself to be redirected to a better fit. They say it takes an average of 40 interactions to feel close to someone, so... Keep. Showing. Up. We all have something to offer in friendship, and we all deserve community and connectedness. Period.

If you want more help with overcoming loneliness or social anxiety, this is often something I work with clients on in therapy: identifying and reframing unhelpful beliefs, embodying confident body language, and practicing social skills. Because even though it may feel like it, you are not alone in this, and you don't have to do this alone.

If you live in Connecticut, text me, Renée, at (860) 316 - 4428, and we can set up a free 15-minute phone call to see if we would be a good fit.